The sundeck at Meridian in Channelside
I don’t normally throw myself into social issues I haven’t had time to fully process, to feel confident in my feelings about. I certainly try to not write about them, for risk of seeming incoherent or unhinged. In some cases, I overthink very simple solutions.
Today I came across a post from London Preppy, who’s creator is a published author and like me, a young gay man. It addresses the “bro” social movement, which has dominated the youth vernacular over the past few years, and has reached a pitch of normalcy that is akin to, as North states, the ‘gangsta’ style of years past.
When mom starts saying “bust a cap,” the coolness is over.
For one, I have to give props to North for writing such a self-depricating assessment of the situation. He himself is a fervent subscriber of the bro movement. Read his post for the thorough effect.
Being gay, though, gives bro-ness a unique twist. North cites that like many other hetero-centric social cohorts, it gives gays a place to hide in their insecurity.
Being a bro is appealing, too, because it celebrates hyper masculinity, one of the gays’ favorite obsessions, in the form of extreme, affected indifference. They just want to chill, to be comfortable, and be effortless. The roll out of bed attitude.
To care, and therefore stress, about anything, isn’t cool, and certainly isn’t bro.
In many ways, “bro” it is the antithesis of “queen,” a just as awful social label.
The problem (you knew it was coming), with gay bros, is that like any mask (credit to North), it isn’t a true representation. It doesn’t come naturally—takes fine tuning to perfect. If gay men are good at anything, it is having an exact attention to detail.
God forbid a shirtless picture surfaces from a bro olympic event like Coachella, where masculinity-affirming and sexual-attention-getting abs are not present and properly lit.
The wider issue here, in my humble opinion (IMHO), is subscription to anything. Period. [~do what makes you happy~]
In the bro movement and in being a bear, twink, or queen…gays find comfort in labels and rules.
To a lesser extent, so do all people.
This is a result of insecurity. In oneself, in one’s complexities and probable eccentricities that would not please the mainstream.
I for one could never be a bro: I don’t drive the right car or find myself in flat-brimmed backwards caps. I will always care a little too much about my body (I think it’s called dysmorphia?), and I love overpriced designer stuff too much.
No one is fully bro, frankly. We all may have elements of it, moments in our continuum when we exhibit and personify those attitudes. Being on the bro end of the spectrum, though, means you’re about as far away from queen as you can get, hence its popularity with insecure ‘mos. If another guy calls me “bro” on Grindr or states that he is masc(uline), I will scream.
The thing about the mainstream (and all its passing pseudonym trends)…it’s bullshit.
You might love it and nurture your relationship with it, and you think it loves you back, and gives you acceptance and material success in return for your loyalty. But really, it’s using you. It will throw you away for the next best younger, more attractive, more blindly obedient follower than you.
As a result, things will really suck, sooner or later.
This is because you are placing your happiness, your value, and your love of self, in the whims of an external force. One that in some cases, is driven by such awful things as capitalism. You don’t think trends spawn from thin air do you?
OK, so I know you’re thinking at this point, he’s gone off on a tangent, into black space where his thread of thinking is growing mighty fine.
My point here is, bro or no bro, step up a rung and see the bigger picture: to give even a single shit about what someone else thinks is not worth the damage to your self and your soul. Sure, it makes your external life a little harder, because you may always be seen as an outsider.
On the inside, however, you find such peace and satisfaction in forging your own trend. I say this well knowing that I struggle to keep up my motivation to ‘do me’, rather than ‘do everyone else’, because the forces are stacked against anyone who bucks the mainstream.
Doesn’t mean I don’t know the right answer.
My feelings about this particular post and author are mixed in that I find him and many gay and non-gay bros physically attractive, and see the author in him as having achieved some things I would like to as well. I also felt compelled to respond, somewhat critically (out of love, North), because the bros irritate me and I want them to go away.
Thus, I leave you with: if you’re a true bro, til death do you part…then get it girl. I won’t roll my eyes. Because if that’s really who you are, then I’ll respect you and your self.Â
But do me a favor. If you ask yourself “am I really a bro, or do I want to do DIY home improvements and watch documentaries?” and you waver in your response…drop the bullshit and go buy that CB2 media console. Order up that luscious scarf, or frilly cocktail. Life is too short.
“YOLO” or something.
As bro as I go, and usually its because my hair is a mess
4 comments
Very interesting post, Alex.
I would just say that you contradict yourself ever-so-slightly by saying “do what makes you happy” since the entire article is about not acting like a “bro” because it annoys you.
For some people, this bro-behavior is a mirroring instinct. In a 2010 article, Alex Pentland calls it “signalling.” Basically, we are signalling to members of a group that we belong. To belong, is to be human.
Generally agree with Dustin, but I’d also go further and say that there’s an integral contradiction to this argument. Exclusively ‘doing you’ versus sense of belonging/operating in a social context are intrinsically antagonistic. ‘Doing you’ is always in relation to/in contrast to that which is not ‘you’. The problem is that that sense of ‘you’ is always-already fictionalized, inconsistent, and false – in a way. I would go further than saying that it’s not “the mainstream” which is the problem. No, it is actually the process of identification which alienates you from yourself. I would argue that what we are (this is now plagiarism) is radical Otherness. We Are where we Are Not. Once you’re aware of that, any attempt to construct yourself is, by necessity, a mask. The trick is to appropriate social masks, but not try to embody them/completely identify with them.
Complete tangent: this is why the post-Freud/revisionist neuroscientific approach to subjectivity is more compelling than the positivist, analytic psychology touted to us today. And why, say, I prefer CBT to any other therapy out there.
Other nonlinear thoughts (I hope you find this acceptable given that one can only respond in kind):
1.
I like my bro-mask, when I wear it. I wear it for different reasons, and wear it in my own way, but it’s never because I’m insecure. I like believing that I belong to everyone (and vice versa) given that, in our essence, I believe our genetic compositions and mental compositions are minimally different. Wearing the bro-mask lets me ‘get closer’ to my bro-mask-wearing friends. The bro-mask is actually pretty enjoyable.
2.
Sometimes “being chill”, having a “rolling out of bed” attitude, behaving like you’re “effortless”, are useful subjective states to inhabit. Interestingly enough, when you ACT LIKE, often that transitions into FEELING LIKE; the more you act, the more you feel – it’s a virtuous circle. The corollary of this is the “negative” subjective mindset — the more you act like you’re a victim, the more you feel like a victim. Even if you feel like the victim at first, the more you process whatever’s happened to you and behave as if you aren’t, the less of a victim you actually FEEL.
Being part of something mainstream DOES give back.
I suppose what I mean to say by this is that bro-culture is valuable. It’s a useful tool. It’s beautiful, in a way. I can be a bro with my straight male friends as well as a bro with my gay male & female friends (“bromo”). That doesn’t mean to say that I entirely filter elements of myself that don’t necessarily ‘fit’ with that label, but I adapt the label such that it’s ‘workable’ for me, and my desire to reduce the (illusory) distance/proximity between myself and others. As much as I might identify with gay culture, sometimes I don’t, and find myself identifying with my straight girl or guy friends.
3.
In another way, I suppose what I’m trying to get at is what Dustin said about mirroring-instinct…
Given that “to belong is to be human”, I don’t think you can be legitimately confident and self-secure until you know how to place yourself in relation to. If you can construct yourself within different social contexts and demographics, while still retaining a sense of consistency and dignity, you are empowered. It’s not just about “doing you”, it’s about “doing you” while being part of what “the mainstream”. It’s negotiating yourself in relation to what’s there, and not being antisocial or psychotically attached to your false sense of being-something (versus being-no-thing). If you have a problem with capitalism… I would say our radical individualism is more of a hinderance than a good thing.
4.
‘Authenticity’ / “#nofilter” is completely foreclosed as a possibility for humans as conscious, self-conscious, self-reflexive beings. It’s completely impossible.
Sort of summary:
A. You are not what you think You Are.
B. What You Are is fictional and inconsistent.
C. You are only empowered by “doing you” when you do it in relation to, and in a workable capacity to “the mainstream”.
D. Social subscriptions are not necessarily bad. Sometimes they are good. As long as you’re not oversubscribed. 😉
E. Brooke Candy is a class-ass bitch. So was Hegel.
F. I like flat peaks, Playstation, skulls, snakes, bro-ing out, fem-ing up, commodification, turtles.
G. Giving a shit is okay, because it means you’re not a pussy/dick. Push back. Assert yourself in any given context. But for God’s sake be TACTICAL AND STRATEGIC. Regardless of who you think you are, no one has ever got anywhere without being both of those things.
H. If you’re freckly, wear sunscreen.
Unstructured blog posts/arguments lead to even less structured replies/critique.
Dustin chase is everywhere, brah!
Thanks for sharing.. I agree any time spent trying to impress others at the expense of your own authenticity is clearly wasted (& a great recipe for depression). The greatest joy of coming out of the closet for me was being able to be my whole self, which includes being a gay bro. While I now embrace aspects of fashion, music, & creativity that I hid during my closeted days, I maintain my deep passion for sports, the outdoors, talking shit, & weekends with my old frat bros (who are now huge supporters of their gay brother). “You do you” is a great motto, but we have to let people be who they are without judgement. From time to time someone who doesn’t know me that well accuses me of faking my ‘masc-ness’ or trying to be butch, but the important part of my journey is to say whatevs & to keep doing what makes me happy. There’s a lot of gay bros out there who are authentic & happy. When the queens & bromos are respecting each other & treating everyone with equality, we will all be in a better place.